july 18 - that's not fair.
weirdest dreams some nights. on one i was neelofa. i have something going on with a cute guard. but he wasn't the man of my dreams. i only call him daal document(as in file documents) but remember thinking, if it was HIM, i would have had many other terms of endearment.
last night i had a dream about spending time with ayu's son marikh. he was too adorable. and i had a crush on someone's husband again. they are all unavailable, or will find me repulsive after some time in all my dreams. can't catch a break.
last night i re-watched little nikita. little nikita was my first river phoenix. in it he was supposed to be 17 but looked 14. he was mega adorbs. i think i first saw this when i was 13? 14? but i still remember my favorite part and my favorite dialog. it was when jeff called his girlfriend and he wanted to run away, wanted her to come with him. and he said, "i thought you loved me?" and she said, "don't to that. that's not fair." and he said, "you're right, i'm sorry."
it was just so sincere and absolutely, freaking true. i remember thinking that and most importantly, i understood(i was 13! i was an idiot except, this, apparently).
you are so missed, river.
ps: this was written on writtenkitten.net. for some reason it didn't work that well for me (MISSING CAT PICS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE AUGHHH) but it'd get the job done. credits to Nate for informing (i still get THRILLS! when she emails/whatsapp/tweets me. i lovv her)