march 18 - an epiphany for the...nth time?
i tried cleaning my room yesterday, and i threw a hissy-fit at all the stuffs because there's just so much stuffs. my mom was right. my room IS full of crap. i don't even know why i have them except for the "just-in-case" purposes.
i was really angry. because i had so much stuffs. so i was actually angry at myself.
there has been a lot of that recently. i'm angry at myself. i feel like a loser. at work. in life, all the time. i want to control things but i don't even know what i want to control. it feels like my life...is full of crap.
of course it's not true, i have many things to be thankful for.
but it's just been a tiny downward spiral over the last few days.
it's just... i've been "free" for almost 10years, which if you really think about it, it's not a long time, but within these 10 years you are expected to fulfill some expectations like being in a relationship and getting married.
i have never even been in a "Real" relationship with a dude, so... there is something wrong with me? this is NOT TRUE, of course, but sometimes your mind just comes up with these tnings.
i guess i just need to go through life the same way i managed to clear things up in my room yesterday after the horrible mess: pick one things up at a time, where does it go?
this is a horrible post, but fine. i'm just spilling out my mind for now.
i can definitely say iphone is literally sucking my soul right now. between checking twitter and instagram obsessively, and making sure i get those floozes to progress in happy street and breaking levels in candy crush, i haven't spent sometime on myself. i haven't been thinking. i don't watch smart clever shows on tv or read books anymore. i am no longer living. in a way, i have become the zombie the fiction creature i truly despised. except i don't just want brains. WHY DO THEY ONLY WANT BRAINS GOOD GOURD
so last night i was watching tv and on the new fox channel? there was a line-up of all the shows coming soon and while some i probably wouldn't watch it hit me: i haven't been excited about waiting to watch tv for a while. i hate downloading series and watching on computers, although i love spoilers, the only way to watch series is on the damn tv. i decided to stop looking at twitter. i want to have that freedom of not having the urge to check what other people are doing/saying/thinking right now. why do i want to? it doesn't make sense. they are strangers and friends. why do i want to live their lives?
so i stopped. and brought out elinor seamonster from the toilet at am now 75% through. so proud. (that book... god. i hate it)
so... plow through life. real life. not screen life. not other people's life. my life. with cats.
the end.