25th september - 11pm
yesterday, tammy was still not at home at 7pm.
of course i went batshit insane. i said a lot of awful things about everything, even doubting Allah and faith.
in the end he came home at 11pm.
when he was gone, i knew i deserved every single thing that is happening because i am not a good person. i have an evil heart and always think bad of people.
and yet i said how can Allah let me feel this pain of potentially losing Tammy.
i have no excuse. no one was to be blamed but me.
i don't know if i can ever heal or move from feeling like this.
i don't have any answers. i'm not even going to articulate what i should do or try.