7th Jan
you know what?
i'm tired.
i'm tired of constantly worrying. i'm tired of being scared the wrong word said or the wrong deed done will cause major fighting in my family and major heartache.
i'm tired of making sure the cats are not sick, and if they are, what needs to be done quickly so they don't die.
now mama cat has urine leaking 24 hours and she will need to be expressed manually. she is now a handicapped cat. and i have to take care of her. i have to.
i'm tired of thinking.
i'm tired of having to make decisions at work.
i'm tired of being the one in charge.
i'm tired of everything.
i'm tired of worrying if i am not "onz" things will all apart. everything will fall apart and that will just break me. i don't know how to go on if things fall apart.
i don't know how to let go and let God.
what if i'm not supposed to let go?
what if things go wrong because i'm not constantly fighting?
i'm so tired and pissed and worried and i just wish i can just not care and things will be ok.
will things be ok if i let go and not care? will they go my way?
of course they will not. i have to fight for it.
so i fight for it.
and then i get tired and sad.
i am so tired, ya Allah. i am just so tired.