2nd feb - ingratitude
https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/a45386/gratitude-lists-dont-work/
this was a lot of what i was feeling inside. i feel validated.
"My ingratitude lists helped me grieve the things that I'd lost, missed out on, been cheated out of and all the times life had kicked me straight in the heart. I learned that stuffing down anger and sadness with a stack of gratitude lists doesn't make them go away. Writing down the things that made me miserable and furious didn't make them go away either, but it helped me focus on the things in life that I wanted to change because they caused me suffering over and over again. My ingratitude lists gave me direction, focus and helped me move away from shame and toward acceptance and action. My heart still hurts, but I don't scream at myself for being selfish for being sad anymore."
somewhat.